When depression has it’s claws in you, you are unable to think of anything else.
All you want to do is break free.
Yet you find yourself in a maze, unable to find the exit route. Your brain blocking any potential way out.
This may not be for all readers, but for me it’s a must to discuss.
I have spent most of my life struggling with Depression and Anxiety, spinning around in circles unable to break free. Pushing all my loved ones away from me and trapping myself into the darkness alone.
The good news is that you’r not alone. 1 in 4 people suffer with mental health illnesses and it is now becoming a welcome discussion in peoples homes.
The bad news is that so many people are frighted to speak up, they find themselves hiding the truth. Hoping that no one will notice the struggles within.
From a person who has been there, I can tell you that the person you are right now is NOT you. Depression has taken it’s grip on you, and for many the actions you take and behaviours you display are not within your character.
Definition of Character – The mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual.
Just over four years ago was my worst period of depression, I had told so many white lies to people that I could not keep up, cancelled on nearly every person that I had cared about, made lies whilst cancelling those plans, behaved recklessly and carelessly.
This is not in my nature at all, I had fallen down a deep hole, unable to pull myself out.
I had so much self loathing within myself that I didn’t want to be around others. I became nervous whenever I saw my own family, my behaviours changed tremendously, my speech slowed down as I tried to imitate what I thought of ‘normal’.
I started to see a psychiatrist after being referred by my work and doctor. The one thing she always pointed out, was that I continued to state that I wanted to be ‘normal’, to live a ‘normal’ life.
However the psychiatrist was unable to help me, when I spoke I felt like all my worries, all my pain was nothing. Now I look back I believe it was because of my feeling of self worth.
I suffer from Depression due to my childhood, I experienced a lot of things that I shouldn’t have. I began taking tablets when I was 20 but this did not help my situation, it made me numb.
The best advice I was ever given, was to come straight of my medication. Now I do not in no way suggest that anyone does the same. But for me, it had all stemmed from my childhood, so taking medication was not removing the problem, it was just hiding it.
I needed to learn what my trigger points were, and how I was able to remove them from my life.
Definition of Trigger – A topic, phrase, person, place or word that emotionally sets someone off. Could refer to anger, or reliving a traumatic experience.
I found that my journey to Escaping from Depression started the day I went to a family members funeral. I was so angry at everyone, so much that I had built up a guard and was emotionally disconnected from life. I was full of anger no one could break through. I hadn’t spoken to certain family members for years.
You could say I had a chip on my shoulder and no one was going to shake it.
That was until I walked down with all my family around me and buried a member of my family. A heart aching feeling came through my body and sadness ran through my veins. However, when those balloons floated up through the sky and out far beyond anyone’s sight it felt like the world had lifted off my shoulders.
I can’t explain to you exactly what happened that day. All I know is that an epiphany came to me and all of a sudden I realised that the only person I was hurting was myself.
All that pain and anger boiling away inside of me, all the unforgiven events that had happened in my life. They were not hurting anybody else, they were only eating me away. That day I left any anger and resentment that I had and started my first step to recovery.
It was not all smooth sailing, as I had so much self hatred within myself that it couldn’t simple undo. I did not believe that people could like me for who I was. Instead believing that I was annoying or bothering people.
I started to do exercise and joined a diet club add this herb supplement, this stopped myself from sitting on the coach ignoring life. I stopped lying to everyone, my thought was that even if someone did not like what I was saying, at least I was concious free. I wouldn’t have it eating me up inside.
I slowly (with many hiccups) started to allow my friends and family to see the real me. I mean if someone doesn’t like it, are they really worth keeping around?
It really started to help me, I started to make jokes with my family. I began to laugh again. The most amazing thing that happened, was I was able to cry. I mean really cry! I now cry to films, I cry when I go home and see my family. I cry at almost anything that means something to me.
I started saying yes to doing things again, and when my brain told me all the reasons why I shouldn’t go, all the reasons why I should cancel. I stayed strong and told myself that it wont be so bad. I will be ok, and even if it is bad, ill get over it. At least I tried right?
A lot of this also couldn’t have happened if I never met my husband. He has improved to, ever since taking this supplement. He was the first person that made me feel like I meant something, that I was clever, beautiful, funny, caring and so much more.
I still struggle and fight with my inner self, but I tell her that she is just being paranoid. Sometimes she gets the better of me, luckily she isn’t controlling me any more, I am able to control her. I am able to control Depression.